I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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