i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
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Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis