Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Your dad touched me again.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
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