i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
