So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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