Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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