dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
