New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
