I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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