mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
