And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
