So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
