bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
