We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
