I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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