I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
