I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
