she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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