also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize