break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
