A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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