New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
