Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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