so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
