your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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