im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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