I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
