God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
