you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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