Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
