I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL