why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast