I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
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If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"