apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.