i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
