I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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