so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
