The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
