Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
