Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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