My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
