Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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