Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
