you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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