you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
