I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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