ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
