Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
