I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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