He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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