but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
