I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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