Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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