Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
