guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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