Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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