I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
