walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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