This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
