i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
