So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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