I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
