then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Enjoy the penises
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
